myemanna.org

“If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don’t love, I’m nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate.  If I speak God’s Word with power, revealing all His mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, “Jump,” and it jumps, but I don’t love, I’m nothing.  If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love.”  1 Corinthians 13:1-3  The Message Bible

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(Note: The following may not make any sense at all unless you read the last two posts. E~) 

I cried a pint of tears today.  I really thought this “lesson” was over. 

I think this is why God gives us girlfriends.  The emotion that wells up inside the typical woman would kill most men.  And since I was in a place of despair, I did what any self-respecting woman does:  invite a girlfriend along.  Oh, don’t get me wrong, when it comes to things like this I’ve learned to choose wisely, because I don’t need someone joining me in my despair, but someone to speak the hard things (if necessary), and throw me a rope so I can get out of the pit I’ve stumbled into.  Oh, the value of a godly friend!  Her worth is inestimable.

This particular friend has just recently come on the other side of praying for her husband’s salvation for over 10 years.  He is now saved (a little over a year now), and a very active part of our church body.  She is a safe person to pour my heart out to, and has helped me before to come back to the place where I can love my husband like God is calling me to do.  I believe He gave her to me, just for this season of my life.  And as busy as she is, she always takes the time to minister, to give a greater perspective, to nudge, to pray, to encourage and kick me in the butt when necessary.

So today when I called, and rehashed what was going on, and cried over the lack of spiritual intimacy in my marriage she was right there.  I told her that I knew the things I should be doing - and by the grace of God was doing - but that my heart was breaking over my sweet man.  She encouraged me to “continue to stand strong in faith for him, and kick the enemy in the teeth and pull myself out of my pit and keep going”.  She said, “This is NOT about YOU!”  (I told you she didn’t pull any punches), and encouraged me to acknowledge my pain and forgive him anyway.  I really thought I had, but my emotions were speaking otherwise.

I did explain to her I continued to stand in faith, that this had not rocked me off of that foundation. There was more I had to tell her.

You see, recently the Lord gave me a vision of my family.  In this vision he was already saved, full of the Holy Spirit and confident of what the Lord was calling him to do.  He was saving souls.  It was an amazing vision.  It gave me a taste of what salvation is going to look like for him, and for us as a couple.  There was spiritual intimacy there I could not even allow myself to fathom.  I’ve tasted it.

This is what I was crying over most of all today.  I know God has planned for his salvation since the moment he took his first breath on this planet.  I trust Him completely.  But sometimes a heart has to bleed.  Sometimes tears must be shed.  I’ll give them all to the Lord, Who is well-able to use them for His glory.

Today, I will choose to love.  I will ask God what that may look like in regards to my husband, and lay down my pride, my hurt, my “whatever”.  God has the last say in his story, and in mine.  He has great plans for us!  And if the emotion of it all threatens to drown me again, I’ll place my head in His lap, and give Him my tears for seed - knowing joy is just around the corner.