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“What are you thankful for today?” 

I’ve heard the question a hundred times this week.  I’ve pushed it to the back of my mind and it has sat there, brewing…waiting it’s turn to come to the forefront of my attentions.  It’s not that I’m ungrateful.  I began counting the things I am thankful for at the beginning of this year - page after page in my journal of God’s faithfulness to me and those around me.

And yet, I’ve pondered the question anyway.

We all have seasons in our lives where we are thankful (and not so thankful) for various things.  Seasons that are raw and biting, seasons that find us gasping for air - and other seasons where we can finally exhale, rest, and find peace.  In the one season we may only be thankful that we are still alive and breathing, in others we’re grateful for His incredible faithfulness.  Each season reveals something different to a child of God, because we know that we are “more than conquerors” in Christ Jesus.  To rise above and conquer is in our spiritual DNA.  We know that “weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning (Psalm 30:5).”  Often we lose sight of the fact that JOY is coming.  We are encouraged by the Apostle Paul to be content in any and all circumstances.  How do we do this?  How do we remain thankful in good times and especially the bad? 

Through each season, there’s only one thing that remains as a steady beacon in the darkness of night - a victorious banner waving in the breeze of day.  God’s amazing, perfect, and breathtaking love.  It’s so simple, and yet so complex.  The Creator of the universe loves us.  And because He loves us, we can trust Him in every season.

“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.” Romans 8:28

We’re also told in the bible that God “will keep in perfect peace all who trust in Him, all whose thoughts are fixed on Him (Isaiah 26:3 NLT)”.  With the arrival of Thanksgiving, the holidays are officially upon us, and many of our panic buttons have been pressed.  The stress, anxiety and angst of the season has arrived, and with it the frantic pace that ensures our wishes for the “perfect” Christmas are dashed yet again.  We overextend, overcommit, and overspend.  We lose sight of the love of God and our hearts turn cold.  And before we know it, we’re wishing the holidays away.

Please make a line in the sand now that you will not forsake your First Love this Christmas season.  Continue to daily sit at His feet and allow Him to gently guide you through this holiday season.  Don’t let the enemy steal your peace and your childlike joy of this season of celebration.  Christ has come.  True Love has come.  Focus fully on His face, and thank Him constantly for the many blessings His hands have bestowed upon you.  Are you breathing?  Rejoice!

May His love, joy and peace take your breath away, and His faithfulness utterly confound you in the days ahead.  And come trial or triumph, may you be able to say with thankfulness in your heart through every season:

“Give thanks to the LORD, for He is good; His love endures forever!” 1 Chronicles 16:34

I had forgotten about this.

Years ago the Lord gave me a picture of my marriage.  One end of the boat tied to the dock, and the other end not tied at all, but at the mercy of the wind, waves, and surf.  I always believed I was the one who was tied - you know, the one who had a secure hold onto the dock of life.  A secure hold onto the Rock who had become my very life.

If I had only asked for clarity, I believe the Lord would have revealed it to me sooner….

No, my sweet man is tied to the dock, trying desperately to stay connected to the only life-line he knows.  All the while, I’ve been twisting this way and that, trying to disconnect myself from the dock - trying to disconnect him from what binds his heart.  How crazy is this?  How can two walk together unless they’re in agreement (Amos 3:3)?

I long for the wide-open sea, the wind in my face…dare I say it…the fierceness of the storm.  Because my heart is called to be free.  My heart is called to come to the One Who is the definition of beauty and everything good and faithful and true.  I am called to walk on the raging storm with Him by my side.  It is a passion that is hard to define - this soul reaching out for more, clinging to promises in the past, expecting hope for the future.  My brain perspires from the very thought of Christ in ME - the hope of glory.

My sweet man struggles with unbelief.  He wants to believe, but is bound by his observations, offensive remarks from various pastors and church elders, his keen sense of right and wrong, and his remarkable mind.  He truly believes there is a scientific explanation for just about everything.  And yet, he searches.  We are all born knowing that “something” is missing.  That there really is something much bigger than ourselves…a divine key to unlock the passion of our hearts.

Boats are made to ride the currents.  They are meant to provide stable transportation for their passengers.  What happens to a boat torn in two?  It quickly takes on water and sinks.  I cannot go to the places the Lord is calling me without him.  The Lord sees us as “one” (Matthew 19:4-6), and even though He has given us different talents and abilities, there are certain things the Lord is calling us as a couple to do for His Kingdom.

This is my divine frustration.  Our boat is tied to the dock for now.  Jesus visits with me here at the dock, while assuring me there’s more to come.  He’s preparing my heart, and growing me in ways I never thought possible.  I’m endeavouring to let patience have her perfect work (James 1:4).  For when our boat finally launches into waters unknown, there’s no telling where the wind of the Spirit may blow us.

“The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit.” John 3:8

“If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don’t love, I’m nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate.  If I speak God’s Word with power, revealing all His mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, “Jump,” and it jumps, but I don’t love, I’m nothing.  If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love.”  1 Corinthians 13:1-3  The Message Bible

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(Note: The following may not make any sense at all unless you read the last two posts. E~) 

I cried a pint of tears today.  I really thought this “lesson” was over. 

I think this is why God gives us girlfriends.  The emotion that wells up inside the typical woman would kill most men.  And since I was in a place of despair, I did what any self-respecting woman does:  invite a girlfriend along.  Oh, don’t get me wrong, when it comes to things like this I’ve learned to choose wisely, because I don’t need someone joining me in my despair, but someone to speak the hard things (if necessary), and throw me a rope so I can get out of the pit I’ve stumbled into.  Oh, the value of a godly friend!  Her worth is inestimable.

This particular friend has just recently come on the other side of praying for her husband’s salvation for over 10 years.  He is now saved (a little over a year now), and a very active part of our church body.  She is a safe person to pour my heart out to, and has helped me before to come back to the place where I can love my husband like God is calling me to do.  I believe He gave her to me, just for this season of my life.  And as busy as she is, she always takes the time to minister, to give a greater perspective, to nudge, to pray, to encourage and kick me in the butt when necessary.

So today when I called, and rehashed what was going on, and cried over the lack of spiritual intimacy in my marriage she was right there.  I told her that I knew the things I should be doing - and by the grace of God was doing - but that my heart was breaking over my sweet man.  She encouraged me to “continue to stand strong in faith for him, and kick the enemy in the teeth and pull myself out of my pit and keep going”.  She said, “This is NOT about YOU!”  (I told you she didn’t pull any punches), and encouraged me to acknowledge my pain and forgive him anyway.  I really thought I had, but my emotions were speaking otherwise.

I did explain to her I continued to stand in faith, that this had not rocked me off of that foundation. There was more I had to tell her.

You see, recently the Lord gave me a vision of my family.  In this vision he was already saved, full of the Holy Spirit and confident of what the Lord was calling him to do.  He was saving souls.  It was an amazing vision.  It gave me a taste of what salvation is going to look like for him, and for us as a couple.  There was spiritual intimacy there I could not even allow myself to fathom.  I’ve tasted it.

This is what I was crying over most of all today.  I know God has planned for his salvation since the moment he took his first breath on this planet.  I trust Him completely.  But sometimes a heart has to bleed.  Sometimes tears must be shed.  I’ll give them all to the Lord, Who is well-able to use them for His glory.

Today, I will choose to love.  I will ask God what that may look like in regards to my husband, and lay down my pride, my hurt, my “whatever”.  God has the last say in his story, and in mine.  He has great plans for us!  And if the emotion of it all threatens to drown me again, I’ll place my head in His lap, and give Him my tears for seed - knowing joy is just around the corner.

“Above all things, have intense and unfailing love for one another, for love covers a multitude of sins [forgives and disregards the offenses of others].”  1 Peter 4:8 AMP

Yesterday I described an incident with my sweet hubby that happened over the weekend that caused quite a bit of nail-chewing on my part.  You may want to read it first, before you get “the rest of the story”.

I awoke the next morning feeling like I had not slept well at all.  Every muscle in my body seemed to ache as I came down the stairs for my morning cup of coffee.  I knew I had to get this thing right in my heart before the Lord, and was anxious to lay the whole sordid affair at His feet.  The following is my dialogue with Him during that time.

Father, (my husband) has bought another book debunking Christianity - defaming Jesus.  It breaks my heart.  And yet the one book - THE Book - that could bring abundant life to him remains ignored and unexplored.  I haven’t felt offense rise up in me like that in a long time.  It is with me here this morning.  Father, I choose to give it to You.  It seeks to separate me from him emotionally and physically, and I know that is not Your desire.  Right now it is mine though, so I ask that You line my feelings up with Yours.  Your will be done in this matter and not my own Father. 

Emanna, My pleasure and delight is in you!  Beloved child, as you place your continual trust in Me I prepare the path before you.  I bring you to places of rest and refreshment.  Do not let pride have any place in you Beloved.  Pride will lead you to places you do not want to go.  Pride will keep you from fulfilling all I have planned for you.  You must set your heart to love your husband.  This is what I am calling you to do above all else.  Love covers a multitude of sin.  What does this mean?  My love covers - engulfs - conquers - brings to nothing the plans of the enemy.  It is My “secret weapon” as it were.  There is no force that can stand against My love.  Do you want to see your husband fall before Me?  Yes, I know that is the desire of your heart, as it is My will as well.  This will happen as he experiences My love Emanna.  Pray that he tangibly experiences waves of My love.  He will be great in My Kingdom Beloved.  I have a plan and a purpose for his life just as I do for yours.  In a fortnight (I had to look this one up - it means 2 weeks) you will receive great encouragement precious One.  Just a little longer and you will see the recompense of your God.  I have decreed blessing and not cursing over your life, and will I not bring it to pass?  I AM Faithful and True, I bring down and I lift up.  Who can stand before Me?

Father, stir up the love that You have placed inside of me so that it is “intense and unfailing” towards my husband, and others You’ve placed in my life.  Intense and unfailing - just like You. Let my life be marked by passion for You - and then for those placed around me.  I want to burn brightly for You Lord Jesus.  Do not let me leave this earth before I bring You great glory.  You are my King and my heart longs for You.  My heart longs for You…

Be Intense and Unfailing in your love for one another,

Emanna

“A man can no more diminish God’s glory by refusing to worship Him than a lunatic can put out the sun by scribbling the word, ‘darkness’ on the walls of his cell.”

C.S. Lewis

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I have an amazing husband.  I don’t think there’s anything he would NOT do for me and the kids.  He’s always been faithful, always looked out for us and supported us.  He’s a totally engaged Dad, and loves being home with us.  We’re his best friends.  I could not have asked God for a better man to walk with me through life.  We’ve shared laughter and tears, joy and sorrow.  I absolutely love and adore him.  And after 17 years of marriage we are still compatible in all the ways that matter…all except one.  The BIG one.

On the day I married my best friend, I decided to marry another Man as well.  On my wedding day, as I vowed my heart to my soon-to-be husband, I also pledged my heart to Jesus.  Unbeknownst to the man that stood in front of me, I had made a pact with Jesus many months before that if He would just “get me to my wedding day”, I would give my life to Him.  He did…and I did.  When I married my husband I thought he believed in God, and in my immaturity I thought we were equally yoked in this important matter as well.  It wasn’t until after we had our first two children that I was enlightened otherwise.

I say all this to express this - it has been at times a very difficult road.  I’ve gone from shock: “What do you mean you don’t know where you’d go if you died tonight?!?”, to overdrive:  “I must SAVE my husband!”, to rebuke: “Oh!  I need to keep my hands off my husband - I’m not his Holy Spirit!”, to resignation: “Well, he really is a good man and maybe I shouldn’t be rocking the boat - I’ll just read my Bible and pray when he’s not around…”, to intercession: “Lord I don’t want to be in Heaven without him!”, to revelation: God has assured me He has my husband in His hands, and He will bring him into salvation.

All in all, I’ve been the one that has grown the most.  I have been the one challenged the most.  I have been the one rebuked the most.  I’ve come to a place in the journey that I believe that I BELIEVE he will come into the Kingdom of God.  As far as I’m concerned it is a done deal…I’m just waiting for him to get a clue.  He’s gone to church with me for the majority of the ten years we’ve been at our church, and has heard the salvation message probably hundreds of times.  I’m done anticipating when the pastor is going to “pull the net” once more.  God can save him at anytime, anywhere.  It probably won’t be at church when it happens.  I’m at a place now that if he says he’s never stepping foot inside a church again I’d smile sweetly and say, “Okay, Honey.”  I want him to be there because he WANTS to be there…not to please me or anyone else.

But Sunday night, with all the previous being said, I really got mad.  And the Lord revealed to me once more that there were additional “rough edges” He needs to use my sweet hubby to sandblast from my stubborn heart.

We love going out to dinner, and then hiding out at Barnes and Noble.  I head to the Christian section - he heads to the discount section.  We’ve been known to close the store down some nights - we’re both bibliophiles.  This particular night he found a book that really interested him.  As I met him at the cashier counter, he hid it from me, making comment that I would not approve of his choice.  Of course now I’m really curious, and fought him to see what exactly it was.  The title?  “The Jesus Papers - Exposing the Greatest Cover-up in History” by Michael Baigent.  Oi!  (For Jonathan Reeds synopsis go here.)

Okay, I found myself powering-up, and I believe the word “idiocy” flew out of my lips.  This isn’t the first time he’s purchased a book that slams Christianity and everything I believe in.  The accusatory voice in my head said, “He promised you he’d read the Bible…”  I shut my mouth before anything further could escape.  And before I knew it, I had shut down on him.  I didn’t want to speak to him, didn’t want any intimacy or…anything.  A brick wall flew up that I had no intention of letting him scale.

I slept awful that night.

I’ll tell you what the Lord said to me tomorrow…

Until then,

Emanna